Writing a blog while going through such a painful experience is proving to be quite daunting. I’ve been thinking all day about exactly two weeks from tonight. It will be the eve before Kent leaves. I go back and forth between wanting to hide in my reclousive self and wanting to tell people how this all feels. I’m truly dreading that night while in the same breath wanting it to be over. I want to hold and keep Kent as close as I can, while wanting him to go and just return to me as quickly as he can. We’ve briefly talked about how he will get to the prison. I want to drive him, he doesn’t want me driving back alone. We are making plans for a date night for each of the kids with dad as time dwindles.
I believe it feels like a death in someways. Its grieving the loss of what should be to come, but is on hold. Yet I still have to live in the real world raising kids. I have so many questions. Like how do I provide a stable environment that isn’t wrapped up in my own depression over our loss? What will each day look like? Day in and day out real life as a stay at home, home school mom. I read all these blogs, watch some youtube videos. I always like the cleaning, organizing, home decor blogs. The ones that either motivate me or take me away for awhile into the fake perfect life of the blogger. I always wanted to try writing one of those blogs. Problem is I’ve got the perfect home that I can’t show in its perfect state because the unimaginable is happening in our lives. Total chaos, total loss, total unimaginable life.
So, to get through my days right now, I start with a sermon. I read the word. I’m filling myself with what Jesus says to focus on. I make sure everyone is where they are supposed to be. I help my two youngest with their videos that teach their school. I watch my grandson for half a day. That’s how I’m getting through right now. Its pretty much minute by minute. Real life that’s all I have to offer right now.
Philippians 3:13-14 Brethren, I do not count myself to have apprehended; but one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind and reaching forward to those things which are ahead, I press toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.
As Much as I would like to take credit for that title I just heard it in a sermon and it spoke volumes to me. One thing Kent and I have learned and personally witnessed is that sometimes it takes great tidal waves to move us from our comfort zones in order to prepare us for something else. Kent has said and shared numerous times that if it took this to save our marriage or for him to realize how important his family is he would go through it again. Of course, he said that before he was sentenced to prison 🙂 Though I’m confident he still feels that way.When we got involved in politics Kent wasn’t really even that interested. It was more my passion than his from listening to talk radio and the social issues that were hitting us at the time. In fact, the first time we went to the capital I had to beg Kent to go with me. Once Kent was involved and elected we thought it would be a family affair which turned out to be way more time consuming and taxing than anything.
We look back now and didn’t realize how far we had drifted apart just in the simple daily things in life. We were going in so many different directions and when Kent was home he was never really here. He was on the phone, the computer and people randomly showing up at our house. We lost six years of wrestling tournaments, gymnastics, soccer games and down time as a family. This may not be the norm for every legislator, but when Kent does something he goes all in. Like the time I had him coach our older sons soccer team. The next thing I know he’s coaching both older kids teams and president of the soccer club.
Once Kent left the Senate and we were being scrutinized by the public we fell into a state of nothingness. Shortly after that we were raided by the FBI. Not really knowing what to do with our lives at that point, we felt we couldn’t make plans for the future not knowing what was to happen. Neither of us really left the house for several years unless necessary. Kent was working from home which was something new to get accustomed to. Being together so much really helped us reconnect with each other. That being said falling into such a state of despair and not turning to God immediately has come with a price.
I’m sure over the next several months I will talk about some things, but looking back now and finally focusing on God we can see this was all a tool of satan. Did satan want Kent in the legislature? I’m sure not. But has leaving the legislature ruined our life? Definitely not. In fact, we recognize now more than ever because of that experience how much our family and each other mean to us. So that is the gift from God.
Romans 8:28 And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose.
We have and we will will is because Kent and I have overcome circumstances that most couples have not and could not overcome. And we will because we will overcome our current circumstances and stand in victory once again.
Tonight is less than three weeks before my husband of 27 years has to report to a Maximum Security Prison. Exactly three weeks from now, Tuesday March 14th at 9:00 pm I will have been without him for 7 hours. That’s just the beginning of our long 15 month sentence. Feelings are really raw right now. Emotions are running high. We are having many ups and downs in how we feel. Its so weird to be excited for him to go to prison to see the miracles that God will have to perform for us to survive. Then be crying and saying why must God strip us of so much. So we are up and down as I’m sure we will be for some time. But, his word says he will give us peace that surpasses understanding and I think that’s exactly where the excitement comes from.
Our lives have been on hold for over three years. Kent began cooperating with the FBI in his case immediately. He wholeheartedly cooperated in hopes that he would be given a lighter sentence than the others accused in his case. He did this because preserving his family is and always has been the most important thing to him. That reality was dashed when we went to court before a politically active judge on January 17th, 2017. Despite the prosecutions recommendations for probation only and arguing numerous times with the judge, Kent was sentenced to 15 months in Federal Prison.
While this was absolutely unfathomable to us after him being on probation for two and a half years and putting our lives on hold for longer than that, being promised a lighter sentence and then being given five times the sentence of the other guys. Why did we cooperate? What was our purpose? Why didn’t he just get sentenced all those years ago? He/We have received no benefit for cooperating.
And now it just keeps getting better, while for the past month we have had to come to terms with him going to prison we get notice that he is being sent to a higher than maximum security prison. The only thing higher is a super max which houses serial killers, child molesters, serial rapists, terrorists and high risk escapees. Why on earth would someone never convicted of such heinous crimes go to the type of place my husband is being sentenced to? Could it be a vendetta? Was it the judges political views? Was it Kents work against the supreme court justices and his work to get three of them unseated? It is God and God alone. No one can touch us that he doesn’t allow. No one can sentence him to anything that God doesn’t allow. So for now we are following all avenues to have him moved and appealing the sentence, but we are fully aware that God has the final say. Not us or any judge or Bureau of Prisons has the final say. Just God.