Writing a blog while going through such a painful experience is proving to be quite daunting. I’ve been thinking all day about exactly two weeks from tonight. It will be the eve before Kent leaves. I go back and forth between wanting to hide in my reclousive self and wanting to tell people how this all feels. I’m truly dreading that night while in the same breath wanting it to be over. I want to hold and keep Kent as close as I can, while wanting him to go and just return to me as quickly as he can. We’ve briefly talked about how he will get to the prison. I want to drive him, he doesn’t want me driving back alone. We are making plans for a date night for each of the kids with dad as time dwindles.
I believe it feels like a death in someways. Its grieving the loss of what should be to come, but is on hold. Yet I still have to live in the real world raising kids. I have so many questions. Like how do I provide a stable environment that isn’t wrapped up in my own depression over our loss? What will each day look like? Day in and day out real life as a stay at home, home school mom. I read all these blogs, watch some youtube videos. I always like the cleaning, organizing, home decor blogs. The ones that either motivate me or take me away for awhile into the fake perfect life of the blogger. I always wanted to try writing one of those blogs. Problem is I’ve got the perfect home that I can’t show in its perfect state because the unimaginable is happening in our lives. Total chaos, total loss, total unimaginable life.
So, to get through my days right now, I start with a sermon. I read the word. I’m filling myself with what Jesus says to focus on. I make sure everyone is where they are supposed to be. I help my two youngest with their videos that teach their school. I watch my grandson for half a day. That’s how I’m getting through right now. Its pretty much minute by minute. Real life that’s all I have to offer right now.
Philippians 3:13-14 Brethren, I do not count myself to have apprehended; but one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind and reaching forward to those things which are ahead, I press toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.